Monday was a bad day. One of the worse days I’ve had in a very very long time. Within a time span of two hours I felt like my whole world was crashing down. M’s brother had come to stay with us for the week, and I think he was more than a little shocked to see me completely fall apart into tears.
The first of the bad news arrived in a letter. The Dutch Immigration (IND) had finally decided to make a decision on my residence/work permit application. After 9 long months of appointments, tracking down obscure documents from Canada, taking oaths, writing letters, they decided to reject my application!
Of course they chose to write me a 7 page letter explaining all of this in Dutch legal jargon, but I know enough Dutch to understand that the first four words of the letter “de aanvraag wordt afgewezen” weren’t the words I was hoping for. I’ve spoken to a Dutch immigration lawyer who thinks I have a pretty good case, so I will appeal the decision, and take it from there...
The whole IND issue pales in comparison to the phone call from one of my best friends in Amsterdam. It still doesn’t seem real, and I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the situation. He has been diagnosed with colon cancer. He will have an operation next Monday, and start chemo a couple of weeks later. When he told me over the phone I couldn’t pull myself together, I knew I should have for his sake, but it was just so overwhelming. We went out for dinner last night to take his mind of things, and even under the circumstances we had a great time. I came prepared with a list of action points, diet recommendations, options for chemo treatments, etc.(being the google addict I am). Even as we sat there, we both couldn’t help but find the whole situation so unreal, almost comical. We giggled, imaging we were in a cheezy mad-for-TV-movie where he is now playing the role of "guy with cancer" and me "supportive friend".
Do things like this ever feel real?
It may appear that I have fallen off the planet....but here I am alive and well! I just needed a good week to recover from a nasty bought of jet lag. (I used to wonder what every one was whinning about "jet lag this" "jet lag that"....and now it is all coming together. Particularly when I'm starring hoplessly at the ceiling at 3 AM).
And so...I'm back in Holland, mentally and physcially. I had been meaning to do an entry on my New Year's Resolutions...but instead I will just mention the most important of the list I have scribbled beside my bed. To quote a Madonna song, "Absoultely no regrets" (or worries).
No regrets about any decision I've made, or will make. No regrets about living on the other side of the world of friends and family. No regrets about chosing to live in a country I don't fully understand (and at times appreciate). No regrets on the career choices I've made (I eventually will find a job that allows me flexibility, creativity, intiative AND helps the world in a some small way--am currently only lacking the later!) No regrets on living (occasionally) outside of my means (you only live once right?) No regrets on having no tangible assets (who needs them anyways? ;) No regrets on not yet speaking the language of the country I'm living in (special annoucement: have signed up for a beginner Dutch class). No regrets on not doing enough, traveling enough, seeing enough of the world (there is still time for all that).
I will not worry about the big "life plan", about where I will be living in one, two, or three years time, about what country (or continent) I call my home.
No regrets, no worries. Period.
